We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
