You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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