Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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