so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
