So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
