Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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