I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
