Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
