I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
