he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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