I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
