I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
