You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
