Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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