she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
