Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
