The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
