you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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