life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
ok first of all what the fuck
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
