the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
