you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
