Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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