I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
