I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
