I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
