At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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