I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
