mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
