I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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