as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
