I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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