umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
