toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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