Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize