I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my being single is dangerous.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
