You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
