why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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