I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
