Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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