I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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