Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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