We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
