After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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