Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
50% drunk capacity currently
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
