broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize