Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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