My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
