There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
