I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize