i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
