So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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