My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
