I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Randomize
