last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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