In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize