Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
