i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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