At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Panties = found
Randomize
