Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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