So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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