They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
