Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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