he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
