Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i love accidental penises.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize