Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
